Understanding Your Child’s “Why” and Not Simply Telling Them "Don't Ever Do That Again!"

Parenting is a daily balance of love, patience, and exhaustion. Between work, family, finances, and the endless list of responsibilities, it’s natural to want things to run smoothly and with the "least headaches". When your child does something that feels off, whether it’s a messy choice, a clumsy mistake, or a confusing reaction, it’s easy to respond with, “Why like that?” or “Cannot, wrong already.”

But here’s the truth: When we stop at correction, we miss the chance to understand their thinking path, the way they reason, feel, and make sense of the world. Every child has a mental structure that’s still forming. By asking how and why they arrive at their thoughts or actions, you’re not just managing behaviour, you’re nurturing their ability to reason, reflect, and feel heard. When children make decisions, even the “wrong” ones, they’re often experimenting with logic, emotion, and imagination. If we interrupt that process with quick judgment, they may start hiding their thoughts instead of sharing them. Over time, this creates distance, fear of mistakes, and less openness in communication.

On the other hand, when parents say,

“Tell me how you thought of that,”“How did you feel when you chose that?”“Why do you think that works?”

— they’re inviting understanding, not authority.

This approach builds trust and curiosity. It helps children see that thinking and learning are safe, even when outcomes aren’t perfect. And when they feel safe to express, they grow more emotionally aware, resilient, and confident in their own reasoning.

10 Questions to Guide Parents in Understanding Their Child’s Thinking

1. What made you think of doing it this way?
   

2. How were you feeling when you decided that?
   

3. What did you want to happen when you tried this?
   

4. If it didn’t go as planned, what do you think caused that?
   

5. How else might we try it next time?
   

6. What part of this made you happy, and what made you frustrated?
   

7. What do you think others might feel if they were in your shoes?
   

8. What did you learn from how this turned out?
   

9. How can I help you when you feel stuck or unsure?
   

10. What do you think would make this easier or more fun next time?
    

Parenting doesn’t mean being perfect, it means being present. When you ask your child why and how, you give them something far more valuable than correction, you give them understanding. And that understanding becomes the foundation for lifelong confidence, empathy, and connection between you both.